My Exquisite Gem from India
I’m divorced, a single parent by choice of a beautiful daughter, almost 12 years old and adopted from India. Being a single parent is difficult. Don’t think it isn’t. But it can be done. One thing you desperately need is a very strong support system of close (both emotionally and geographically) friends and family who can pitch in and help, give you some emotional support, and also some “get-away-by-yourself” relief on a fairly regular basis. Being mother, father, breadwinner, decision-maker, etc., etc., etc., can be exhausting. Take it from one who knows.
As I was divorced, with no immediate prospects, and the proverbial biological clock running out, I looked into adoption. I really wanted a baby girl. I explored several options, with little hope, until I stumbled upon Thursday’s Child, a small, non-profit agency willing to consider me.
Thursday’s Child didn’t turn me away, although I was over forty at the time. They seemed to appreciate prospective families who did not fit the traditional mold, in addition to the more typical ones.
From my
first visit to Thursday’s Child, to Dulari’s arrival one bright, sunny
Monday morning in April of 1987, things went smoothly. Dulari flew to LaGuardia
Airport in New York, where I, and her grandparents, waited for her, cameras
ready. My daughter had already, at the tender age of 2 ¾ months, done
more traveling than I had ever done, or plan to do.
Many experts believe that only a selfish person could consider voluntary single parenting, denying a kid a dad. I’m not against dads in the home at all. I’m not relaying messages to my daughter that dads are bad, unnecessary, or not the norm. It’s just that there isn’t one in our house. And life goes on!
The best family, to me, is one that does its best to raise a child to be a good, kind, thoughtful citizen and one in which these values are passed to the child or children. A two parent family certainly doesn’t guarantee this and a single parent household doesn’t necessarily prelude such a family.
Attitudes toward adoption have changed considerably over the past years, and
for the better. I am still amazed when I encounter a person or a couple, absolutely
desperate to have a child, wo put themselves through the torture of infertility
procedures, thousands of dollars spent, broken hearts, and still refuse to consider
adoption as an option. They have to have a “real” child, their own
flesh and blood. I can’t comprehend why a person would deny him or herself
the opportunity to be a parent. Why would anyone deny herself the chance to
give and receive love…the love that only being a parent can offer, only
because the child isn’t “biological”, and can’t satisfy
the ego needs involved.
To borrow a somewhat revised quote from Gertrude Stein- “A kid is a kid
is a kid”. I guess anyone who doesn’t believe it with all her heart
really shouldn’t consider adoption. But I do strongly suggest that if a
couple, or a single person really want a child and for whatever reason, can’t
do the “real kid” biological route, they attend some adoptive family
gatherings, talk to the families and sit back and observe. They should really
take the time to see how real these “unreal” kids are to the parents
who love and cherish them.
I look at my own daughter, an exquisite gem from India, not from my own loins, but from my heart, loved and cherished as much as a “real” kid, and as much as or more than many kids in this world.
Sometimes I still don’t believe how fortunate I am to have Dulari as my daughter. Every Mother’s Day I am extremely grateful that I am Dulari’s mother. I am also thankful to the woman across the many seas who couldn’t be.
Linda -Rockville, Connecticut